A thought for this Halloween Monster Monday: as cheesy as it was, Gen X could have made some of the most, we’ll say, memorable monster crossovers. Not good crossovers, necessarily. But the BEST nonetheless. Allow us to explain
Hollywood used to be audacious. They used to have the cajones to take Dracula, the Prince of Darkness himself, along with the gruesome corpse menagerie assembled by one Doctor Frankenstein, and the primeval force of a man transformed into a bloodthirsty wolf, and make them go head-to-head against Abbott and Costello. Classic movie crossovers didn’t care that they were cheesy. They were fun.
But all good things come to an end. And frankly, it’s probably for the best. While the below examples were never even remotely possible, we have to admit we would have spent a good deal of money on t-shirts with these pics (probably sold at Hot Topic or Spencer’s).
Still, we can dream. Below are the best Gen X monster crossovers that never happened.
Dracula guest stars on Diff’rent Strokes: This classic 1980s sitcom at times tackled tough social issues, like whether or not Nancy Reagan was clinically insane. (Since the father, Philip Drummond, wasn’t a doctor, she ends up getting away on a technicality). But the storyline with the First Lady also talked about the dangers of drugs and addiction. This is where the very special story of Diff’rent Strokes introduces the Prince of Darkness, who spends most of the 24 minute episode tormenting the sister Kimbery, who Dracula wants as his bride. But by the end, Dracula has to confront his addiction to blood. In a powerful ending, the vampire relapses and the entire family is turned into the living dead, forever roaming the darkness in search of blood. Drugs are bad, kids.
Scooby Doo: Sure there were always a variety of monsters on Scooby-Doo , but they were always unmasked and shown to be old man Jenkins! And while more recent versions of the beloved cartoon have introduced real monsters (we think, because we never actually watched these non-canonical-to-us reboots), the kids never seem to suffer any consequences for messing around with monsters or massive white collar crimes. That’s why introducing The Blob would really increase the stakes with Scooby and the gang. Let’s see them unmask 3 tons of acidic jello.
The Dukes of Hazzard: Episode titled Shenanigans from HELL. The Duke boys make a terrible mistake when they trade in the General Lee for an awesome red 1958 Plymouth Fury. What they don’t realize is that this new car, while self-repairing and as fast as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, is possessed by some restless spirits (and not the kind Uncle Jesse likes to brew up). After Sheriff Roscoe and Boss Hogg are brutally murdered by the vehicle, Bo and Luke are hunted down and murdered by an outraged mob. Christine Lee then drives these two good ol’ boys to Hell.
The Golden Girls: Back in the mid-1980s through early 1990s, witty octogenarians Rose, Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche certainly seemed immortal. Apparently one writer toward the end of the series, desperate to keep the show going as he pitched a Golden Girls Expanded Universe, offered the idea that the Girls were in fact agents of Count Barlow, from Salem’s Lot. Which, if you think about it, is pretty darn creepy.
