Dear fellow Patriotic American,
Thank you for signing up to attend the first post-fake pandemic rally for President Trump, and also for accepting responsibility for any potential COVID-19 infection that may result from it. We’re ready to get back to campaigning for another four years to “Keep America Great”, and we know you are too! But before you can attend, please read through the following additional waivers (simply formalities imposed on us by the Deep State), and click “ACCEPT” at the bottom of the page. Or better yet, don’t read them and click “ACCEPT” anyway.
You agree to cheer wildly for any celebrity that the President chooses to praise, no matter how irrelevant, outdated, or unknown. This includes that guy who played Chachi, James Woods, and that one game show host no one under the age of 50 remembers.
You acknowledge that things can get crazy at these rallies, and if you have even a passing resemblance to Jim Acosta or Wolf Blitzer, you might not make it out alive.
If anyone asks you if Donald J. Trump Jr. was present between the hours of 8:00 – 9:32 pm, you will answer yes, definitely. And he looked calm, composed, and not like he just strangled a hobo for fun.
Are you a cop? You have to tell us if you’re a cop.
You agree that, if you have skin color darker than that of whole milk, you will be both put in front of every camera for publicity purposes and watched closely every second you are there.
Should you get the opportunity to shake hands with the President (only $49.99, a real value!) you agree to not wipe off the sweaty, orange residue while in his line of sight. We know it’s gross, but we can’t say anything to him.
You acknowledge that the gnawing sense of guilt at the periphery of your conscience resulting from cheering for things you – deep down – know to be wrong or misguided is solely a matter between you and your Creator. Even if the President decides to award the Presidential Medal of Freedom posthumously to Jeffrey Dahmer, any feelings of trepidation or remorse are on you.
By acknowledging all of the above, you agree to not sue President Trump, his family, or his presidential campaign or to hold any of these entities responsible for anything that goes wrong, up to and including the dissolution of the United States.*
*Okay, you can hold Eric responsible.