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Damper 3’s investigation into the highly secretive Bionic Agent program continues to uncover secrets that are often shocking and sometimes, if we’re lucky, titillating. In today’s post, we expose the bionic body parts program, where proposed and prototyped bionic enhancements were tried but ultimately (and wisely) discarded.
The following were uncovered after reviewing recently declassified information made available after Damper 3 Freedom From Information Act requests.
Canceled Bionic Body Parts Program
● Bionic Appendix: This $1.5 million bionic feature is half the size of a regular appendix while being able to do three times the nothing.
● Bionic Cat Eyes: These monstrosities don’t actually do anything. The government funded over $2 million researching them before realizing the researcher was just a Furry trying to make the ultimate costume. Sicko.
● Bionic Mustache: OSI actually fielded this for a few years, deploying it on Col. Austin’s face briefly. It was groovy.
● Bionic Hemorrhoid: Almost $1 million was spent researching this before Oscar Goldman walked into the lab and screamed “Bionic hemorrhoid my a$$! What the $!@#, gentlemen?!”
● Coal-powered bionic lungs: The first attempt at bionics tried to avoid nuclear power. The steam-powered lungs were functional, but the attached 2-ton furnace made it impractical.
○ In a bit of irony, not lost on Rudy, the coal ultimately led to black lung.
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| This also failed OSHA approval. |
● Solar-powered Bionic Man: Steve Austin was briefly fitted with a solar-powered battery. It worked well in bright daylight conditions. However, the solar panels became too cumbersome once wide collars went out of style.
● Bionic Plantar tendons: In an attempt to simulate real human motion, the addition of synthetic plantar tendons was in the initial plans. These plans were scrapped when the subject was the first person in the world to experience bionic plantar fasciitis, which caused superhuman levels of pain so intense no one within 25 meters of the bionic agent could walk.
● Bionic nose: Subject ripped it off after screaming about the terrible smell of boogers
The exact cost of these abandoned experiments is unknown, thanks in large part to OSI’s socratic booking, and the fact that we at Damper 3 are writers and not mathematicians. But clearly a lot of funding was arguably squandered on the government’s path to creating the Six Million Dollar Man.
Check back with us soon as we continue to heroically expose the OSI.
If you’ve missed our other Bionic Man exposes, check them out here:
- The Bionic Man Exposed!
- Building the Bionic Man: A look at OSI
- Exposing the Bionic Man, Part 3: The Unspoken Costs
Rather watch your humor? Check out other Jacks of no Trades videos, including the first of the Bionic Stuff videos: