Going green? It’d be a shame if something were to happen this oil

 A message from your friendly global oil conglomerates

Let’s talk, tree hugger. Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

Dear valued consumer,

As you are no doubt aware, the fossil fuels “family” is always at the forefront of innovation when it comes to selling the liquified goo sucked out of the Earth and first marketed as fuel over 150 years ago. Our reputations for innovation have been unparalleled as we strive to make sure you keep buying from an industry hell-bent on not changing at all.

Some companies are trying to earn your business by being “greener,” hoping that just because they started recycling their used wine boxes, you’ll buy their crap. And evidently this works, because chumpscustomers like you seem to care for the environment and don’t like the idea of your kids getting heat stroke while they look for a home in the Antarctic Dustbowl. We get it. So we’re making changes too.

For every electric or hybrid vehicle sold, we will burn a barrel of oil. We’re serious. We’ve got them on a cargo ship right now, and starting now the captain will start dumping that stuff into the ocean and just lighting it. We’re killing the ocean and contributing to climate change in one go…that’s a twofer for ya. It’ll make the Exxon Valdez look like a bath bomb in comparison. You thought Deepwater Horizon was an accident? It was a warmup, baby.

Buy a Hummer now, or we light this like a candle. Photo by Maria Lupan on Unsplash

And we’re not stopping there. For every home that adds solar panels, we’ll dump a barrel of precious crude into third-world or low-income drinking water reservoirs. And did you check that “go green” option from your local utility provider so you can start receiving your bills via email instead of via gas-hungry traditional mail? You have 30 days to “uncheck” that before our SEAL snipers are deployed. These are not Navy SEALS. They are snipers trained to shoot seals.

Be a shame if something were to happen to this seal. Capiche?  Photo by Amy Asher on Unsplash (target added by author)

Please do not misunderstand us. We may be an industry that makes more than $2.1 trillion per year, and we recognize that we may be, technically, destroying the Earth. But in our defense, HOLY SH*T $2.1 TRILLION? DO YOU SEE THAT?! If YOU made that kind of bank, would you want to change?

Checkmate, hippie. Now buy some oil.