At approximately 915 MST on Sunday, July 11, 2021, billionaire Richard Branson became the first person to finance his own trip into outer space. Video from his time in space showed an almost giddy Branson, floating weightlessly onboard his ship SpaceShipTwo along with several minions. As he addressed the world, and in particular children who have dreams of reaching the stars, his body began to change under the barrage of unforeseen cosmic radiation.
“Brief mortals, tied by death to your rotten Earth, fear me,” boomed the billionaire. “No more will you address me as Richard Branson. Forevermore, I am Emperor Richard Brannos.” The heavens then shook with his laughter, which suddenly ceased.
“And so help me if I hear just one more “Galactic Virgin” joke, I will rain hellfire on your pathetic world.”
News of Emperor Brannos’ ascension, and his subsequent demand for the construction of a 2000-meter gold statue to be built on the site of Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin headquarters, was met with anger by the former Amazon chief. Speaking from a secret volcanic lair, Bezos’ mocked Brannos (May He Rule Forever).
“Our war will be epic,“ scoffed Bezos through his metallic mask, fused to his flesh in a freak accident years ago. “I am assembling a team of witless champions who won’t likely defeat that British fop, but will surely distract him long enough for me to finish my Gamma Canon.”
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| Jeff Bezos, undated stock image (By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=59387191) |
Elon Musk, having been detained in the Shadow Dimension, was unavailable for comment.